Dying with dignity

May 31, 2012 Torii died.  It was time.  She had a heartbeat for such a long time.......like she was letting us say goodbye and comforting us.  I am sitting in her spot on the couch writing this and it still feels odd.  Henry tells me that she is upstairs or in his room and I do believe she is with us in spirit.  I still tell people we have 3 dogs because it feels right to say that.  I started to write all the details of the day that led to her death and it doesn't feel right.  Maybe one day.  All I know is that I miss her.....we all miss her.

Nietzsche had it right..........

There is a saying that life doesn't give you more than you can handle.  Apparently Steve and I can handle a lot.  We have had a difficult year and so many things have fallen to the wayside, one of them being this blog and any pursuit of getting a book published.  I would say we are currently in survival mode and hoping the very small light at the end of the tunnel stops fading and gets brighter.  As I write that sentence I don't mean to sound like a Debbie Downer, but it is the reality of things.  I have woken up every day and decided to have a positive attitude and focus on the good things and the controllable things in my life.  That being said it has not been an easy year.

No Snow, little off-season work, no job prospects, bills falling behind, almost losing our house, and a lot of small things that added up.  We had to make the excruciating decision to put Torii down.  Then my Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  All the other things were not fun, they happen, we knew they were a possibility being a small business with no other income.  And I was able to find part time work and help out financially but still get to be the mom I wanted to be.  Oddly enough it was a comfort knowing that at least our issues were solely financial.  This I can handle.  But losing Torii and my mom getting sick were more than I wanted to deal with.

This year has taught me what and who I can and cannot live without.  Who my true friends are.  What is important.  And that I am a fighter.  What the direction of this blog will be I have no idea.  It's original purpose is no longer relevant for my life right now.  Will I eventually pick the book thing back up?  I don't know.  Life is change.  We are constantly growing, evolving.  What I do know is that 2012 has been a year of learning and although it has been a struggle I am better for it.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Friedrich Nietzsche

I need a "for Dummies" book

I have story ideas.  I have multiple people interested in illustrating.  I thought all that was required was a story board with the illustrations I like and send it out.......not so much.  One of these talented artsy people in my life informed me that if you send them the book with the illustrations and they don't like the whole package they just disregard it.  This info along with the more reliable (i think it's reliable....i HOPE it's reliable) info on the Internet is scaring me.....not giving up, just letting the reality settle in.

SO.  Based on the research I have done I need to submit a manuscript with a cover letter following each individual publisher guideline.  AND then wait for 2-3 months....yes months.  Which on one hand makes it easy because I am not a great artist so it takes the pressure off choosing illustrations from people that I really like and don't want to hurt feelings.  But on the other it's like applying for college again.  PRESSURE.

But on to doggie news:

All the rain we had and all around yucky weather made for a stand-off between Kofi, Steve and me.  He hates the rain and is actually somewhat of a prissy dog when it comes to weather.  So he decided he was not going to do what dogs are supposed to do and go to the bathroom in the woods......he preferred the loft.  He would walk around FOREVER (sometimes over an hour) outside and as soon as we got inside he would run upstairs and go.  The loft has been taking a beating from the hounds as Torii took out her frustrations on the carpet and now Kofi has been using it as a bathroom....thank goodness for my rug shampooer.  We will still be replacing the carpet as we are not fans of carpet and the hole, but at least it isn't riddled with e.coli and other bacteria.  But back to Kofi, we have fighting this battle with him for over a month, not letting him inside until he goes, not letting him upstairs, etc and finally he gave in.  I am happy to report that Kofi has not gone in the house in 1 week (writing this I realize how pathetic this is, but it's a victory in my mind).

What makes this even more funny to me is that we are really encouraging the potty with Hank right now and he picked out a book called "The Prince and the Potty" at the library that has a Prince who won't use a potty but then changes his mind when he gets a puppy and the puppy goes in the "potty" Hilarious.....but I am thinking I need to work on a potty related book.......

Writing is hard and having an old dog sucks....

I know I have not posted anything since the 1st post.  In my head I had an idea of how the blog posts would go; Meet Penni, Meet Torii, etc.....and then start with the stories.  But it has proved more difficult than originally thought.  So after writing numerous drafts I have let go of my idea on how the blog "should be" and have just posted what is happening with the dogs.  Eventually you'll get the "meet" posts, but for now here's what's happening in their world......

The other morning I woke up to a really strange noise coming from the loft.  It wasn't Torii's usual banging around (she likes to roll around and pile-drive her bones/dog bed to mark them in hopes Kofi will leave them alone.....it's not effective).  I went upstairs to look around not knowing what to expect and found..................A HOLE IN THE CARPET.  We are talking wall-to-wall carpet, not an area rug.  So now on top of all the other things we have to fix/replace in the house we get to add carpet in the loft to the list.  Unless I am winning the lottery sometime soon this is not happening for a while.  I am debating whether or not I should move a bookcase or piece of furniture on top of it to hide it.  It pisses me off every time I go in the loft.

Torii has never really accepted the fact that I am part of the household.  She was here 1st.  Steve is her person.  If I packed up the baby, Penni and Kofi and left her alone with Steve she would be in heaven.  But she is the best guard dog EVER.  And for that I put up with her not listening to me and over-all snootiness to all but Steve.  As she has gotten older she has had some issue with bladder control and regular old dog maladies; new food, bad kidneys, etc.  Unfortunately her disposition has also gotten worse.  She is an old cantankerous girl.  All of this I can deal with.  She is old.  She gets a pass......until she ripped up the carpet.

As I write this it's really apparent how old she is and how sad this makes me.  Despite her dislike of me she is a wonderful dog.  She is loyal, protective and intelligent.  She is amazing to watch out in the woods when she has a chance to hunt something down.  She is the only dog who I know would defend our home while the other run away.  She has her quirks like all dogs, but I really do love her and will miss her when she leaves us.  I hope that all the changes we have been making in her diet help her live a longer, happy life.  She truly is one of the best dogs we will ever own.

The Beginning.....

Nine years ago Steve and I adopted a brindle pit bull terrier puppy.  We named her Penni because she had a Copper sheen to her fur.....but we changed the spelling to end in an "i" as our other dog was named Torii (bring on the cheesy comments.  I can take them).  She was so timid and for the 1st week preferred Steve to me, but she and I soon became inseparable.

Two years later we "adopted" Kofi (he was a pet store return that we bought for $200) and we were officially outnumbered; dogs-3, humans-2.  Everyone seemed to call Penni "PP" for Penni puppy.  She also had some major house-breaking issues and ruined the carpet in our condo and had stomach issues as well so the PP stood in for those behaviors too.  Our other dogs, Kofi and Torii were sight hounds so often we would refer to the dogs as "PP and the Hounds" For a few years the dogs got along swimmingly and then when Penni was four she started to show some of her genetically ingrained animal aggression.....towards our other dogs.

Our amazing vet (Dr. Bender) recommended a behavioral vet who was equally amazing.  Dr. Meyer trained us to train and adapt this new-weird Penni and make her environment safe for her and the hounds.  After moving to our new house we had to make a return visit to Dr. Meyer who recommended putting her on Prozac (Fluoxetine, actually, which is generic Prozac).  We debated it and decided to give it a try and it has helped her immensely.  That is how we came to "Prozac Penni and the Hounds"

I don't know if I can actually use Prozac in the name for legal reasons, but this reference to our 3 dogs turned into an idea for a children's book.  Steve and I would joke about how her and the hounds would go on adventures in the backyard, to visit Uncle Bill & Mike or to see their cousins.  I'm not trying to make it the next "Marley & Me" (although I will say Kofi gives Marley a run for his money) but having a medicated dog and two sight hounds has been a learning experience. 

This takes us to today where after many years of Steve asking me when am I actually going to pursue this idea......dipping my toes in.