Dying with dignity

May 31, 2012 Torii died.  It was time.  She had a heartbeat for such a long time.......like she was letting us say goodbye and comforting us.  I am sitting in her spot on the couch writing this and it still feels odd.  Henry tells me that she is upstairs or in his room and I do believe she is with us in spirit.  I still tell people we have 3 dogs because it feels right to say that.  I started to write all the details of the day that led to her death and it doesn't feel right.  Maybe one day.  All I know is that I miss her.....we all miss her.

Nietzsche had it right..........

There is a saying that life doesn't give you more than you can handle.  Apparently Steve and I can handle a lot.  We have had a difficult year and so many things have fallen to the wayside, one of them being this blog and any pursuit of getting a book published.  I would say we are currently in survival mode and hoping the very small light at the end of the tunnel stops fading and gets brighter.  As I write that sentence I don't mean to sound like a Debbie Downer, but it is the reality of things.  I have woken up every day and decided to have a positive attitude and focus on the good things and the controllable things in my life.  That being said it has not been an easy year.

No Snow, little off-season work, no job prospects, bills falling behind, almost losing our house, and a lot of small things that added up.  We had to make the excruciating decision to put Torii down.  Then my Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  All the other things were not fun, they happen, we knew they were a possibility being a small business with no other income.  And I was able to find part time work and help out financially but still get to be the mom I wanted to be.  Oddly enough it was a comfort knowing that at least our issues were solely financial.  This I can handle.  But losing Torii and my mom getting sick were more than I wanted to deal with.

This year has taught me what and who I can and cannot live without.  Who my true friends are.  What is important.  And that I am a fighter.  What the direction of this blog will be I have no idea.  It's original purpose is no longer relevant for my life right now.  Will I eventually pick the book thing back up?  I don't know.  Life is change.  We are constantly growing, evolving.  What I do know is that 2012 has been a year of learning and although it has been a struggle I am better for it.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Friedrich Nietzsche